Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? We have all seen movies that depict a crazy obsessive girlfriend that latches on to a relationship for dear life or where the nerd stalks the most attractive and popular girl in school, just wishing he could have a chance with her.
There are some of us who desire a romantic relationship so badly that we put on a persona. We want to be loved so we act in a way that we think others will find acceptable. In doing so we can become overly compliant or what I call a “people pleaser.” People pleasers are often indecisive, take on the wants and desires of others, have trouble being assertive and avoid conflict at all costs.
Being in a relationship with a person who is a people pleaser seems quite rewarding at first. They like all the same movies you like, they listen to the same music and they allow you to make the majority of the decisions in the relationship. Things just couldn’t get better and then slowly but surely that person begins to lose a sense of their identity. They are not longer being authentic with themselves or others. They have lost touch with the desires and aspirations of their heart in an attempt to please their partner and keep them in their life.
When a relationship begins, it is really important to have and keep a sense of self. To know who you are and what desires you have in life. This is a necessary step before getting married or meeting the person of your dreams. If you have not established an identity or sense of self you will lose yourself in the person that you date. Their identity and aspirations will slowly become your identity and aspirations. This may seem desirable or functional until something threatens the existence of that relationship and you realize that if you lose that person you are at risk of losing yourself.
A relationship is to be founded upon two individuals who have a sense of self that come together to love and support each other. They build a relationship and have the common goal of a life together but they also have distinct ambitions and purposes in life. They are two people who are on their own personal journeys that come along side each other, join hands and begin walking through life side by side. Separate individuals that are attached but are not dependent.
If you find that you’re in a place where you have lost pieces of identity in your relationship I encourage you to rediscover your passions and desires in life. I encourage you to be assertive (not aggressive) and to be true to yourself and your desires. Authenticity in every area of your life and especially in your relationship will bring great joy and freedom. As you let down your guard, remove your persona and allow someone to love you for who you really are. Your relationship and the intimacy felt within it will be exceedingly rewarding.
This article was originally written for and posted on Liveabundantly.ca