Last week we discussed how some of us women get stuck in a pattern of dating “bad boys” who are not well suited to meet our emotional and relational needs. Part of the problem, aside from our addiction to roller coaster bad boy relationships, is that women are constantly blowing off great, secure men. I have compiled 6 common myths (in no particular order) that come straight from the mouths of everyday women I know. These women, along with many others, confess and truly believe that:
1. Good Guys Are No Fun
When women have been in a perpetual cycle of dating bad boys and riding roller-coaster relationships, they meet a good man and describe him as boring. Ladies, good guys are not boring. There are likely several exciting and adventurous things about him that you would love. It is the shift in the dynamic that you think is boring. When you are used to riding a roller-coaster relationship, you mistake drama for passion. It is a big shift to get off the rollercoaster and enter into a stable, even keel relationship. You are used to extreme highs and lows that cause you to believe that this emotional intensity equals passion and chemistry in your relationship. A stable bond with a secure man is fundamentally different. The secure man is stable, reliable, and repels drama. The fact that there is no all-consuming drama does not mean that this relationship is boring. In fact your emotional needs will consistently get met rather than only being rewarded with glimpses of intimacy in insecure relationships. Read more about the roller-coaster relationship here.
2. Good Guys Are Nerds
There seems to be this sense that the bad boys are the ones that played rep sports in high school and have all the groupies. While on the other hand, the good guys are the geeks and nerds that were focusing on their academics rather than their physic. When bad boys are portrayed in the media and movies, they live lavish lifestyles and attract all kinds of women. Take the fictional character James Bond for example or the majority of male musicians in music videos. The bad boy image sells records, earns street cred and likely the odd STD every now and then. But that does not mean that good guys are the opposite of cool. They are likely more respectable and responsible then bad boys but that doesn’t mean they are nerds. Many of them are athletes, lawyers, doctors, teachers, fighter fighters and the list goes on. Good guys are not solely defined by their roles, careers or the amount of scantily clad women on their arm: they are deemed good based upon their character, comfort with intimacy, and ability to have healthy lasting relationships.
3. Good Guys Are Not a Turn On
Bad boys are most often portrayed as big muscly handsome men, roaming wild and free. The good guys on the other hand, are often portrayed as soft, apron wearing men that are overly domesticated. When some men show signs of wanting to stay home with the kids or reveal a nurturing side, it is often looked upon as weakness or femininity. Society in general tends to criticize any man who doesn’t pursue a traditional bread-winning role. In all actuality, a man who can embrace intimacy and closeness, challenge his traditional ideals of gender roles in the home, and take his partner’s needs into consideration, is a very strong and confident man. Women report that confidence is one of the most attractive features a man could possess and let me tell you, if confidence is what you are after, the understated good guy wins every time. There is no man more confident than a secure one. Bad boys are actually driven by their fears and insecurities: they learn how to resist closeness and intimacy in order to feel independent and secure. The good guys have a sense of confidence and security, while also being supportive and considerate of their partner’s needs, which are some of the most attractive qualities a man could possess.
4. I Won’t Have Any Chemistry with a Good Guy
Chemistry is the spontaneous sense of attraction between two people. We can have chemistry with many people; of those people we are likely only compatible with a select few. We experience chemistry with both good guys and the bad boys. However, relationships with good guys tend to be different in that their foundation is not built solely upon chemistry. When dating a bad boy, chemistry is one of the things that draws us in. These relationships generally revolve around roller-coaster dynamics. In Dr. Wendy Walsh’s book The 30 Day Love Detox she explains that those who give into this “chemistry” within the first 30 days of dating have roughly a 25% chance of being in a relationship a year later. Those odds nearly double if the couple waits beyond 60-90 days, and there is no study that says waiting too long negatively impacts relationships. Essentially, the longer you wait to give into the chemistry and actually take a rational approach to finding love, the more likely you are to find a long term committed relationship. So you have to ask yourself: what it is you are looking for? Are you looking for intoxicating chemistry that only lasts for a very short time or are you looking for a lasting intimate and mutually rewarding relationship?
5. Sex with a Good Guy Will be a Snoozefest
Good secure men don’t separate emotions and sexual intimacy, they see them as one. Given that bad boys tend to be more avoidant, sex for them is a physical act in which there is very little intimacy and emotion. For secure men intimacy is a major component of their sexual relationships. Men have the biological ability to have sex with partners and not get emotionally involved, but secure men don’t turn off their emotions during sex. They often engage in sex in a way that strengthens their bond and relationship. Intimacy during sex actually makes sex better and more rewarding. It is still fun, playful, or however else you like it, but the key difference is that there is an added element of closeness and trust that makes it even more gratifying. So is sex with a good guy boring? No, definitely not. In fact it may be some of the best intimate sex you will ever experience.
6. Good Guys Are Too Accessible
I once overheard a conversation between two girlfriends where one had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was back on the dating market. She had met a potential suitor who was a good-looking guy. The story took an unexpected turn when I overheard that she refused to go out with him because he was too nice, too accessible, and there was no chase: in other words it was too easy. I think I still have bite marks on my tongue from trying to hold myself back from interjecting in that conversation. Too nice? Too reliable? Ladies, this actually pains me. Do we not think that we are worth having a reliable, loving, supportive, and dependable partner? Are we THAT addicted to the roller-coaster relationship that we would dismiss a potential partner because they are treating us too kindly? This is unfortunately the case for many women and men. It is one of the reasons that I have started this blog. We all deserve to feel a sense of love and belonging and to have a mutually rewarding relationship where we feel treasured and supported. We need to stop and think about what we are saying about ourselves, and what we are depriving ourselves of when we reject the nice guys and seek out the bad boys types. If someone is there, is consistent, reliable, and is making their intentions to date you known, get to know the guy. Chances are he will more supportive and open to the idea of commitment then all of the bad boys you have been dating.
I would love for you to comment and share any other myths that are floating around out there about these “good guys.” Let’s expose them all so that we can see these good men for who they really are: super mates that are wired for closeness and intimacy. That is the kind of man I want and have in my life, and I know each of you can too. You just have to choose to give him a chance!
Wishing you love and connection,
