Junk food is an epidemic in our culture. Fast, convenient and accessible food has completely altered our diet. This has resulted in a counterculture healthy food movement. Many detoxes, diets (not the weight loss fade type), and alternative eating lifestyles have emerged out of a need to nourish our physical bodies. Webster’s dictionary defines junk food as “something that is appealing or enjoyable but of little or no real value.” The solution? A counterculture shift towards awareness of the quality and ingredients of the food we are consuming.
Similar to the way that our culture has become addicted to this enjoyable but valueless junk food, we have also become addicted to unhealthy malnourished relationships. We consume relationships that are quick and easy, accessible and not good for our emotional and physical wellbeing. We have bought into the assumption that indulging in junk food relationships will lead us to a secure and lasting connection. Have you ever consumed a junk food diet and have it yield healthy results? We cannot make one of the most important decisions of our lives under the assumption that these indulgences will yield the healthy and lasting relationships we have always desired.
The answer is to do something different—radically different.
What is the Love Reset?
You might be asking yourself why/how am I still single? This question has plagued many of us ,from young adulthood just starting the search for love, to post-divorce struggling to understand where we went wrong. The Love Reset is a 30-day challenge for those who are still single and looking for love. It intends to help you determine the quality of the relationships you are consuming. It challenges you to purge the junk and feed your needs with nutritious relationships.
What is junk food sex?
Junk food sex: interactions of a sexual nature that are not good for your physical or emotional wellbeing. It is in high supply—in fact it is everywhere—and therefore is convenient and easily accessible. Although that may sound appealing, and the sex may be enjoyable, it is of little or no real value and leaves you feeling emotionally malnourished. It is immediately satisfying but leaves you longing for intimacy and connection.
Research actually shows us that those who engage in sexual relations within 30 days of dating have roughly a 25% chance of being together a year later. Those odds increase if you wait past 30 days, and improve significantly if you can wait 60-90 days. This means that the longer you can wait, the better the probability of building a lasting relationship. We often engage in premature sex in relationships because it gives us a false sense of security in this high anxiety time, but consuming junk food sex actually prevents you from being able to find the secure and lasting relationship you are looking for. Premature sex clouds your judgment and keeps you from rationally assessing the situation. Therefore, if you can control your desire for junk food sex, you have a better chance and being able to get your emotional and relationship needs met.
Recap, junk food sex is:
- Not good for your physical or emotional wellbeing
- Is in high supply—its everywhere, which makes it convenient.
- Is appealing or enjoyable but of little or no real value
- Immediately satisfying but in the long-term leaves you feeling malnourished because your needs for connection and intimacy are not being met
Junk food sex often leads us to junk food relationships.
What is a junk food relationship?
Junk food relationships are easily accessible and convenient romantic exchanges. Though they are temporarily satisfying, they are generally not sustainable over time. They leave you feeling taxed and emotionally malnourished because they are not well suited to meet your emotional and relational needs.
Additionally, junk food relationships tend to have an illusion of commitment. You get sucked in because you see a possible commitment on the horizon. Except, the closer you get to the commitment the further away you realize it is. After a while you start to realize it is a mirage, but you have invested so much time that the chasing pattern continues.
These are the patterns displayed and modeled in our culture. Let’s be honest. Healthy secure relationships don’t sell magazine or make news headlines. We are indoctrinated with unhealthy and insecure examples of relationships every moment of everyday—it is for this reason that I have created The Love Reset.
Recap, junk food relationships are:
- Convenient and easily accessible
- Temporality satisfying, but not sustainable over time
- Unhealthy and taxing on your physical and emotional wellbeing
- Not nutritious or well suited to meet your emotional and relational needs
- An illusion of commitment
What is a Nourishing Interaction?
Nourishing interactions are exchanges that contain ingredients necessary for our emotional and relational wellbeing. Much like when we eat food that sustains our bodies with the vitamins and minerals they need to survive, nourishing interactions provide our relationships with the necessary ingredients for our relationships to develop and thrive. They are any interaction that feed your emotional/relational needs.
Recap, nourishing interactions are:
- Are necessary for your relational/emotional wellbeing
- Any exchange or interaction that meets your emotional or relational needs
- Provides your relationship with the necessary ingredients it needs to survive
What is a Nutritious Relationship?
A nutritious relationship is a mutually rewarding secure attachment between two people. It is a relationship where both people are equally committed and invested. A nutritious relationship is reciprocal in nature and both partner’s needs are a priority. Much like when our body is getting all of the nutrition it needs, there are few ailments and complaints. The relationship functions in, security, interdependence and creates an environment where intimacy can thrive.
Recap, a nutritious relationship is:
- Mutually rewarding, not one-sided
- Committed, both are invested in the relationship
- Close and intimate
- Interdependent, not codependent or extremely independent
Green Light: The Do’s
- Purge junk food sex and relationships from your life: Get rid of all your friends with benefits, booty calls, sexting buddies, drunk texting buddies, come over watch a movie and cuddle buddies, I text you when I am lonely buddies, etc. Take out the trash. It may be difficult right now, but these are the people that stand between you and the person you want to spend your life with.
- Consume relationships that meet your emotional and relational needs: The Love Reset is not promoting avoidance—go out there and date your heart out. BUT remember, dating must follow the nutrition guidelines.
- Pick yourself up and dust yourself off: If you have been fearful of dating and/ or have given up, its time to dust yourself off. Through The Love Compass and completing The Love Reset you will gain many of the necessary tools you need to get back on the horse.
Red Light: The Don’ts
- Do not have sex before MINIMUM 30 days: At the very minimum no sex within 30 days of dating. Statically speaking the longer you wait the better. There is no statistic that says waiting too long can have a negative impact: the longer you can wait the better your chances for long term commitment. Those who show self-control are better able to assess compatibility and build a solid foundation/commitment.
- Do not engage in counterfeit forms of love or attention: During your purge you are going to experience a loneliness hangover. It’s bound to happen. Make sure you have a list of nutritious alternatives to ensure your needs get met in healthy ways.
The Fine Print
The Love Reset does not promote avoiding relationships. Some people feel the threat of rejection and abandonment very strongly, and avoidance is often the tool of choice to remain safe from this threat. The thing about avoidance is that it doesn’t allow us the opportunity to develop necessary boundaries and experience when it comes to navigating our way to lasting love. When a relationship has failed or we have experienced heartbreak, don’t avoid and isolate. Think about what went wrong, learn from past mistakes and move forward. The Love Reset is a very counter culture approach to finding love, and it may just be the kind of change you need. For more information read Is Love Worth The Risk.
The Love Reset does not promote leaving committed relationships. This program is intended for singles that are looking to find and develop lasting relationships. If you are in a committed relationship and are experiencing some hurdles, as many couples do, it is important to work together on these issues. There are of course circumstances that may warrant leaving a relationship, but I highly suggest that you consult your support system, a counsellor or other professional before making this decision.
What Do You Have To Lose?
What would you give to have the lasting love and commitment you desire? Could you manage setting aside 30 days to challenge your approach to relationships? It is only 30 days. The worst thing that can happen is that you try something different for the next 30 days, it doesn’t work and you go back to doing what you were doing before. The best-case scenario is that you try something different and it was exactly what you needed to set you on course to find lasting love. Either way, what do you stand to lose?
Through this 30-day challenge you will have access to the blog and to many other tools and features that are currently in development to accompany the program. Even if you don’t see how it can help, give it 30 days. You have nothing to lose! I’ve seen how these principles have changed my love life for the better and I want them to change yours too!